Teacher’s Strife

Red
spots

Black
keys

I gave
you all
you need

High
stakes

Self
doubt

You cry
and I
will shout

Chin
up

Eyes
wide

You can
make it,
have pride

Photo found at: http://jane-beata.deviantart.com/journal/PE-9-ways-to-overcome-artistic-Frustration-342185323

Good Vibes

Craving your smile
not just your soul
Missing your good vibes
why did we have to grow old

I’m in this desolate part of my brain
where memories haunt and partially hurt
Will we laugh again in the dark
before they throw me in the dirt

Because everything is nothing
and nothing is everything with you
Let’s fight this heart in heart
even if we don’t win
we still won the truth

Help me out of this hole
We can leave any day
Run far
Far far away

There’s more to this than what we see
There’s more than our eyes can hold
Meet me there
We have galaxies to unfold

Angst of Aspirations

Words are wrecking my withered web
of a mind
banging and thrashing around,
screaming to get let out

But I fear what they might say.
Will they spill my secrets like
tar on a hot roof
or dance around the page?

Why is it so difficult to just say what my
brain
wants
to
say?

Words are harassing my peace,
jabbering, making it
impossible to decipher what is real
or scenes from a dream

So what will happen if
I lose Doubt
and release the ridiculed pain
they have caused for so long?

Will I be shamed once more?
Or open the rusty and corroded gate
of my heart,
to piece together the grateful letters
from the floor?

 

MAYBE ALL IS FINE?

I
Don’t
Care
To
Be
Called
“Strong”
“Independent”
“Smart”
Or
“Right”

i just
want to
be called
“Yours”
“Mommy”
and MAYBE
“beautiful”

i am nothing without
you two
just a soul
with a body

i want what’s best for us
ALL
please see that

i see your
strength
i see your fear

IS
it “wrong” to want something more

tell me
it will all be
FINE?

 

 

Knowing Nothing

Having unrelated conversations about business licenses, doctors appointments, and snake control within a two hour timeframe has left me with the realization that I really don’t know much.

I know things like my birthdate (although that could also be iffy since I was THERE but don’t remember if it was REALLY March 31st or April 1st, 2nd, or 3rd for that matter).

I know that when you look up providers via the website on the back of your insurance card, the vast majority of the humans you are interested in making an appointment with either: work with a slew of other doctors making it almost impossible to meet with them but you can meet with one of their MALE doctor friends, have “the next available appointment” at a time that is almost always entirely too late to treat the ailment that is currently pestering you, OR don’t even accept your insurance anymore and some jerk of an internet genie forgot to take their names off of your insurance’s website. I KNOW this.

I also know that getting a strictly outdoor cat can help with snake control (well, again, that’s what I would do if I had a snake infestation in my back yard due to living 20 or so feet away from an Everglades-like marsh). Cats are natural born killers. If you leave them be in an outdoor habitat, their instincts will kick back in and they will hunt smaller, more annoying things down. I’ve seen it. I KNOW this as well.

I KNOW those things. I can explain them well to others. But when someone asks me where’s the place I would most love to visit? Or why good people have to die young? I don’t have an answer.

I don’t know why the world is “round” now and not flat or if I even believe any of it. No clue what makes people just wake up one day and actually feel “awake” and like they actually “get it”. What is this damn elusive “IT” anyways? And why do we have to “GET” anything?

Who makes all these constructs up? Why are words so important if they are just WORDS? Someone pointed at a desk one day and decided “that’s a desk.” But who is that someone and what if they had pointed and said “that’s a turd” instead? We’d be sitting at our turds from 9-5, pissed off, annoyed, counting down until 5, and staining our teeth and intestines with acid-laden coffee either way.

I had to humble myself with my lil English degree and admit: I really don’t know shit.

I know that I love beings as if they loved me back even more.

I know that tie dye is beautiful.

I know I would give my life for my daughter without a question.

I know that work shouldn’t be stressful and everyone who works should be able to live without worry.

I know that coming from a “poor” neighborhood and saying “finna” rather than “going to” doesn’t make me a bad person.

I know you never really know a person’s story or heart unless you ask.

I know that to most, this is just all a lot of weird rambling but, to me, it makes sense. 

I know that if you are reading this, the universe brought you to my page and now I can tell you I love you personally.

These things I know. But there are heaps of things I haven’t the slightest clue about. The Universe is HUGE. It’s wondrous. It’s love is infinite. I want to know more and live more. But I have to first let go of what I think the desk should be called and just let it be what it is: something that helps me hold my notebook on.

 

🌻Namasté